Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.