@weinerdog4life: Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
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@joe_binkley: Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise... Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
@jonnysun: INTERVIEWER: do u have any weaknesses VIDEO GAME BOSS: [strugling to cover glowing weak spots all over body] UM
@causticbob: I went for a job interview. The bloke asked, "Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?" "Same as now - in photos and mirrors," I replied
@Pauly_Miller: If you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on Twitter.