Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
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Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
You better watch out
plant them where lol
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.