Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
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Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more