@SortaBad: Babies are like Starbucks because they're expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
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@thatdutchperson: Me: sorry I can't go to the farmer's market with you. Allergies. Friend: pollen? Me: hipsters.
@Goofpoops: Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you're not getting laid...it's because the women can't see you..
@osoplain: I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic