Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course