Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
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There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Bill is short for Billiam
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.