Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
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My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not