@OhNoSheTwitnt: Babies are like tattoos. They're yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they're not all gross looking.
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@longwall26: One day, some dude was all "You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig," and everybody went "That is a GREAT idea."
@o__0Dev: Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
@ChipKellysBalls: If you look in the mirror & say "pumpkin spice latte" 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
@Donnie_Fairburn: [First day as a superhero] Oh hell yeah! *sees a crime happening* Already? Ok... *the bad guy looks really mean* Umm, I'll get the next one