@OhNoSheTwitnt: Babies are like tattoos. They're yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they're not all gross looking.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn't know they were going to do that "Just take me home"
@_SetTheHook_: Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.