Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
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In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Body by cheese-puffs.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
constantly working on myself.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%