Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
You Might Also Like
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
fixed it
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first