Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
You Might Also Like
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.