Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
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“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.