Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
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don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
crazy
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
and now we wait
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up