Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
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My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%