@albz: Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It's like, pick a side, babies.
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@1Happytwit: Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
@1Happytwit: This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she's never broken a lawnmower before.
@KeetPotato: [gets pulled over] cop: "sir, do you know how fast you were going?" [i've swapped places with the dog] me: "answer the man"