Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
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Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.