[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Its a hippotatomus
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes