Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
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i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange