Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Sooo many times…..
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
What my back needs
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12