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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.