BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
You Might Also Like
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
new career option?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I can fix him.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.