BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
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wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Double negatives are never not confusing.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone