BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
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[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
channeling her this year
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life