baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
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Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality