For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled