Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
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When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.