Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
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Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Sing it!
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother