“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
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A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Yup….perfect score!
Shortcut
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*