22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
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Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Thursday
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart