I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
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18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I have so many questions.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle