baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.