Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
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I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.