Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
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In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.