[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
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The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
What’s so funny?
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me :
All Day At Night
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.