BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
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Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Perfect.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.