BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
There is no “we” in pizza
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.