Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
is this meant to deter me
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are