If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
fixed it
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.