if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
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An odd boast
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Software Development ⛵️
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns