@kidphonic: Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.

@sameverlark_: Joe: Hey Barack, why does Trump wanna ban preshredded cheese Barack: Joe please Joe: TO MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN Barack: I swear to God

@WilliamAder: Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they're changing their name to the ACME Corp.

@ruslg1: My one night stand is pissed because I broke the other one.

@DosieDoe: I really don't have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol. Like Customs, for example.