Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
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If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
We cut our bangs at dawn.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I only eat vegetarians.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.