@Steelers1972: Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
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@Token_Geezer: Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
@BoogTweets: Me: Take this My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED? Me: You tell me "Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon"
@NewDadNotes: Boss: you're fired Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap* I expected this; you found my search history yes? Boss: Linda wants her cat back