Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
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*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Boom, boom, ching!
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Why am I like this?
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.