“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
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North and South
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.