“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
You got this…
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My love language is deader than Latin
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling