Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
omg leave her alone
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
guilty
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.