Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
TODAY
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
gm
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.