@Smethanie: Baby, let's stay up all night and watch people Instagram the sunrise.
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@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy, do you like princesses?" "Yes." "Why?" "Well usually they have a nice set of ti-" Wife: "Shut it." "I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON."
@notacroc: [alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti] ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti
@FrenulumBreve: [homocide scene] DETECTIVE:"my god, in my 25 years on the force i've never seen a dead ghost." COP:"sir?, we covered the body with a sheet."
@Fart_Bringer: "U put on suntan lotion?" "No" "Youll get sunburned!" *sun descends, his voice echoes loudly* "NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?"