@Smethanie: Baby, let's stay up all night and watch people Instagram the sunrise.
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@VodkaTiem: I don't know who put chairs in the elevator, but that's a kind of laziness that I can respect.
@Michael_Erhart: "Why don't you just tell her how you feel?" "Well, alright." "Girl, I feel with my nerves."
@rmfnord: The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
@seamussaid: FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I'd read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that's a bad idea guys