Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Watermelon Boss!
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*