@iRowlf: Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you've got their room bugged.
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@GensPlace: I know I'm gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
@cervixsmash: I'm gonna name my firstborn “arial” and people will be like “oh like the mermaid” and i’ll say “no like the font”
@roostermustache: Me: i'll have a beer Bartender: ok it's on the house buddy Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i'm not climbing up there again
@ieatanddrink: I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do