baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
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[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
pat pat
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.