@josePhDhoran: *Baby presses 'snooze' to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
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@StinkyGr33n: [Speed dating] Me: "Toilet paper, over or under?" Her: "Und.." Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
@thetobbie: The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
@Underchilde: If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.