@josePhDhoran: *Baby presses 'snooze' to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
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@1_swarthy_dude: Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby* Her:"WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!" Me:"Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio."
@dietredbull: If we had gender equality we'd ALL give birth through our ass. And no more Men from Mars & Women from Venus, everyone would be from Uranus.
@VestaTot: There's a little girl's voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don't mind her; she died years ago. Here's your blanket.
@MikeDrucker: Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.