baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
You Might Also Like
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster