[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
If you know, you know
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork